Excerpted from Lori Carpenos, Q&A

Often in asking a question, it is as though we ask ourselves. .Our own innate health and wisdom will come through when we quiet our conditioned minds so that we can hear what is being asked of us, what we are being called upon for, as opposed to paying attention to our knee-jerk reactions contaminated by past hurts and troubled experiences.

Recently, a single mother raised this matter.

"I bought a car for my 17 year old daughter who shares her residences between my house and her father's house 20 minutes away. She wants to spend more time at his house whenever she gets angry when I remind her to do her chores at my house, and if that wasn't bad enough, she expects to take the car I bought her. I don't feel like I can allow this especially since she recently received a speeding ticket while driving 80 mph. I can't have her driving a car I supplied her with when she is not under my supervision. Her Dad travels a lot for work and he has indicated that he might not be home for a day or two at a time. Do you think I should let her take the car when she stays with her father?
A Worried Mother

Dear Worried Mother:
It sounds to me like your daughter is pushing her new found independence over the line. You remember the saying: Give them an inch and they'll take a foot? Well, it was true when we were growing up as well. It's hard-wired into the teenage brain to assert their independence. This, in and of itself, is not the problem; it's a normal part of the developmental process of becoming and adult. It is a parent's job to create safe boundaries. Teenagers have admitted to me that they feel safer and more secure when their parents set firm but reasonable limits and stick to them. This, of course, is the simple, logistic end; for the parent to provide these boundaries. But for a newly separated, widowed or divorced parent, it is quite complicated. This parent seeks comfort from their child(ren) and also seeks to reduce further stress in their home. It would be most helpful to
have a therapeutic session with both you, your daughter and Dad. Short of that,
then I would encourage you to have a discussion with a trusted therapist who can understand your daughter's motivations and the need for household stability and routine.

I invite readers to contact me with any questions at any time by writing to me care of Lori@contemporaryfamily.org.

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FERPA and the Non-Custodial Parent
The Family Education Rights and Privacy Act of 1974
Mark D. Roseman, Managing Editor, Contemporary Family

FERPA provides that parents have access to their children's school, teachers and school records. Parent teacher conferences and child's records are available to non-custodial and custodial parents with sufficient documentation for the administration to concur. With proper evidence and identification, the non-custodial parent or guardian may access attendance records, mid year reports, certainly, can attend open houses and school performances.

Susan Huff, Ph.D., Professor, Bowling Green State University and FERPA authority spoke at a recent conference of the national Children's Rights Council and cautioned non-custodial parents against 'demanding' to see their children's records. Instead, she advises, a non-custodial parent would be better served if they explain to their child's school principal and teachers that "I want to be more involved with my child's education." But she also found that one would be surprised at how very few shared parenting agreements specify a non-custodial parent's rights to access their child's school records.

Excerpted from October 2007 issue…to order, click here…

Staying Involved and Connected with your Children
THEIR Way -- Online
Ideas for Non Custodial Parent and Custodial Parents

By - Kathy Pillow-Price

I recently overheard a conversation between two ninth grade girls getting to know each other. One asked the other "if she had Facebook." To which the girl replied, "Uhh, yeah. My Space is so over." Now for those of you that are little behind on technology don't worry, this article will introduce you to today's world of teen communication and let you understand how you can connect with an "overconnected."
The generation of current teens was born circa 1990 and beyond and is known as Generation M for the "millennial" generation. Their nickname is the "overconnecteds" because these teens literally have hundreds of friends and they connect with them without ever having to leave their houses. They are one of the most technologically sophisticated generations ever and prefer to keep in touch with their friends and family online. After all, this generation does not remember life without the computer. What does this have to do with non-custodial parents? Learning about our children's online communication preferences and participating in them can give us daily access to our children in a powerful way that hasn't always been available.

Even younger children are way past the technology of keeping in touch via email. Now days most kids are members of at least one, if not more than one, social network community (SNC's). In case you're not quite sure what a SNC is, it's an online way of socializing that that has become very popular among students with sites like MySpace, Bebo, Xanga, and one of the widest used - Facebook. In a recent study it was found that as many as 88 percent of traditional entering college freshman have active Facebook accounts. A recent study showed that 87 percent of 12 - 17 year olds or 21 million children report that they are regularly online at least once a day on one of "their sites." For them to be online is their birthright. Those who cannot afford a computer in their home still manage to "get on" at friend's houses, libraries, or at school.

Now I know that a lot of you have heard horror stories about internet stalkers and cyberbullies. While it is true teens need to be cautious what they post on their profiles, I am hear to represent the positive side of these trends. There is a lot of bad stuff out there, but it can be used for better. Let's start with Facebook.

(to order complete article, click here)

Chip & Cookie - Wally's Ambassadors of Reading

Many of you know our good friend Wally Amos from his chocolate chip cookie fame. These days he's a motivational lecturer. Hopefully hearing some of his experiences can help you with challenges you might face in your life.

Aside from lecturing and cookies (and muffins a la Uncle Wally's), he is a well-known philanthropist. Wally's goal is to do everything within his power to eliminate illiteracy.

One sure way to eliminate adult illiteracy is to ensure that all children grow up to be dynamite readers. That's where he has decided to focus his efforts. And we help. We're Chip & Cookie, his Ambassadors.

As Ambassadors of Reading we travel the world with Wally promoting the benefits of reading aloud to children.

Wally has turned this column over to us to explore connections between reading aloud to children and their development into healthy, hungry-to-learn, high-functioning young adults.

Here are our first tips for becoming great readers to children:

• Choose a book with your child;
  
• old the book while reading;
  
• show the illustrations;
  
• Take time from reading to talk about parts of the story;
  
• Talk about the big idea at the end of the story.

Now here are some of our big ideas, topics we'll cover as we explore reading and reading aloud to your children:

• We'll give you more tips, especially for parents reading with their children;
  
• We'll have tips for children reading with parents;
  
• Because parents aren't the only adults influencing the lives of our children, we'll have tips for teachers;
  Now and again, we'll have sample writings by children. They might be great selections to read aloud to your children;
  
• Everybody can always use suggestions on reading material. We'll provide lists of children's books and ask you to send us your favorites too;
  
• New books are being published everyday. Occasionally we will review some and let you know why we think they'd be great to read to your children;
  
• Because we're Ambassadors of Reading, we'll take time to connect with education and learning experts and give you their advice for increasing reading comprehension and for establishing literacy programs in your schools.
  
• Since we're going to help with setting up literacy programs, we'd probably better see what help we can provide locating funding sources for them.

Why reading? Well, our world grows more complex daily. The quantity of information required to function at a high level multiplies as fast as the methods used to disseminate it. Information flows faster and must be absorbed faster. Right now, one of the primary ways we absorb information is through reading. Just like a newborn colt must be able to stand and run along side its mom within minutes of birth, our children must be prepared to function in a world that moves at speeds measured in gigahertz.

And why reading aloud? Reading to children stimulates mind and emotion. Parents reading to their children create a special family place where children are safe to grow and explore. Reading aloud develops a child's language and vocabulary skills before they even learn how to read. Read aloud to your child and like that colt, they'll be running before you know it.

Our motto is Reading takes you everywhere!

To obtain this article, order October 2007 issue click here!

Outstanding Gaps Left to Fill
From , "Child Care, Curriculum, and Community: The three "C's For Many Students to Succeed at Connecticut Community Colleges" by Sherrie Gelbwasser, Ed.D

The Children's Reading Room is a cooperative child care program for students, faculty, staff, and administrators who need a safe place for their children who are at least three years old to stay while they are either working or taking courses on campus. All four participants in this study agree that this free service has successfully assisted students with the financial and the personal responsibilities that have been their major barriers to obtaining their college degrees. However, similar services are needed for older children and during evenings, weekends, and school vacations in order for retention for this population of students to increase at Asnuntuck Community College. One of the participants mentioned that it is common for community college students who are raising children to need to work full-time and during normal business hours. In other words, these students who are parents are restricted as to which courses they can take based not only on their work schedules, but on the limited resources for child care that they might have access to based on their social networks, on their ability to afford reliable child care , and on the limitations that even paid child care resources carry. For example, if a person searches for child care resources on Infoline.org, a state-wide database of human services agencies in Connecticut or if they read the listings in "The Parent Planner," a periodical that devotes itself to issues around parenting and even on being grandparents, then they would see that most child care centers and after school programs provide services up to around dinner time. Evening classes can run as late as 9:40 at night which is after when most children's bedtimes. While some classes are offered online through the distance learning program, not all students; especially those students who are the most in need of free or inexpensive reliable child care, can afford the cost of computers and subscriptions to internet service providers. For many other reasons, such as student's learning styles, distance learning courses present more problems than they do solutions to accessing higher education.

Recommendations to Explore
The Children's Reading Room at Asnuntuck Community College has been the only cooperative child care center in the Connecticut community college system since its foundation in 1974. This valuable, free service is regarded as a key feature in student retention. However, not all students with children are not eligible for this service The following options should be explored more carefully if retention in this population of community college students is going to sustain itself and to potentially increase it in the future.

1. Adopt the single college concept and offer this service to day, evening , and to weekend students.
   
2. Design and implement a campus family resource center that includes the same child care program as the Reading Room in addition to offering deliverable resources on topics that the students request.
   
3. Offer homework and library research help as a library service for older children who need supervision and attention in this area after school.
   
4. Provide space for children to exercise after they have been in school all day.
   
5. Extend the Dial-A-Ride Program to pick children up after extracurricular activities in each of the towns that the college draws students from and to drop them off at the college.
   
6. Promote the Children's Reading Room at the state, local , and national levels as a model for other higher education institutions to develop their own accrediting board and standards.

While these actions would tap resources that the college might not have at its disposal, pursuing grant-funding for the necessary resources would be a worthwhile investment because retention would increase in the long term.

To order complete article, order October 2007 issue click here.

Excerpted from "Picking Up The Pieces" by Judy Jacobs, BA, Rehabilitation Counselor
Starting over as a single parent is an extremely courageous endeavor. It puts stress on you and your children. It adds extra burden on them in school, where they may already be experiencing adverse pressure. Nonetheless, this can be accomplished if you are good at adjusting under pressure. If you are not, there are clinics that are willing to accept you based upon your income. You can check them out through your local hospital or social services office. One of your first steps is to seek out someone in which you can feel free expressing your emotions. It does not have to be a professional, it can be a lay person, and perhaps someone who has walked this path before may be your answer.

Religion is a tremendous avenue for you to re-explore, it brings you into a grounded position and will help to keep you focused. It will bring meaning back into your life. Keep in mind that you are not walking this path alone, even though it may feel like that, at times, there is a higher power there to guide you through. Just sit back and take a deep breath and trust that inner you.

Next is to make a list of your strengths and your weaknesses, be honest, no one else will need it but you. After this is done you will be amazed to see that your strength side powerfully over weighs your weakness side. Use this as your tool, to carve out your future.

If you had a career before, but have not worked in a while, get retrained. Your local unemployment office is a great start. They offer loads of computer courses and resume writing courses, and they are free! They also offer assistance in you going back to school for a position, such as a CNA, if you meet the income requirements. If you have never worked and are unsure of where to begin, take another look at your strength list.

You will find there are passions listed there that you have never done. Try doing some, whether it is arts and crafts, painting, and decorating, acting, dancing, singing, creative writing. For example, if being around children is your passion, ask your local library if they may need someone to read stories to children. One woman I know tried it at the ripe old age of 70 and now there are crowds of kids lined up just to spend a little time with "Mrs. Hubbard." She gave herself the name being a slight woman with her gray hair neatly put up it a bun and reads mainly nursery rhymes, or fairy tales sitting upon an old fashioned wooden rocker. She created the role and the character of the warm-hearted grandmother that these children are missing in their lives. The children can hardly wait until story hour has begun.

Perhaps you may want to explore becoming certified as a home care provider, for children or adults. Check with your townhall first to investigate code or ordnances. Make sure you can provide references, even if they are old ones.

You will find an area in which you can develop your talents. If you have the time and resources, you can begin volunteering, even those positions may lead into a rewarding career. Remember to take advantage of you networking skills. Someone you know might know of just the right job for you. The important part is not to leave any stone unturned!

For complete article, order October 2007 issue click here!

Excerpted from Basic Principles of Parenting for Parenting Educators
(Based on Parental Acceptance-Rejection Theory and Evidence)

Ronald P. Rohner, Ph.D.
David E. Cournoyer, Ph.D.
Abdul Khaleque, Ph.D.

Ronald and Nancy Rohner Center
for the Study of Parental Acceptance and Rejection
University of Connecticut

After studying thousands of children and adults in every major ethnic group of America as well as internationally, it is clear that children's need to be loved by parents and other significant caregivers is a universal, probably biologically based, human need. When children don't get this need satisfied adequately they tend to respond in the same way (described below)-without regard to differences in race, gender, ethnicity, language, or other such defining conditions. Additionally, this research reveals that the negative effects sometimes associated with such parental behaviors as corporal punishment and restrictive control are often due more to the feelings of rejection that those behaviors may produce in children, than to the punishment or control itself.

This document distills results of four decades of research on the effects of parenting-especially the effects of parental acceptance-rejection-in the U.S. and internationally. Parenting principles and advice in the document come primarily from scientific tests of the major postulates of parental acceptance-rejection theory (PARTheory) as they relate to the social and emotional development of children everywhere. For each of the points below, empirical documentation is available from the Ronald and Nancy Rohner Center for the Study of Parental Acceptance and Rejection at the University of Connecticut. Parenting educators who want to know more are encouraged to consult "Introduction to Parental Acceptance-Rejection Theory, Methods, Evidence, and Implications" and the "Glossary of Significant Concepts in Parental Acceptance-Rejection Theory" posted on the Center's website at: vm.uconn.edu/~rohner. Or you may contact the Center directly by email (rohner@uconn.edu).

Basic Principles of Parenting Derived From PARTheory

Principle 1: Help parents and other caregivers communicate love (acceptance) to children.
Explanation 1: More than 1600 studies suggest that children's feelings of being loved, cared about, wanted, appreciated, etc., probably have greater developmental consequences than any other single parental influence. Improved messages of parental love appear to be the most salient route through which effective parenting techniques contribute to healthy child development.

Principle 2: Help parents find culturally appropriate ways to communicate warmth and affection. Also help parents avoid behaviors that indicate parental coldness and lack of affection, hostility/aggression, indifference/neglect, or that induce children to feel rejected in some other way (e.g., undifferentiated rejection).
Explanation 2: Extensive study with every major ethnic group in the U.S. and several hundred societies worldwide reveals a common meaning structure that children use to determine if they are loved (accepted). Culture and ethnicity shape the specific words and behaviors that carry these concepts, but children everywhere seem to organize their perceptions around the five dimensions cited in Principle 2. Every cultural and ethnic group has ways to communicate love, and children readily recognize these ways.

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